You've seen it. Somebody on your feed holding up a printed grid of sex acts with three columns, laughing about how it went with their partner, and a comment section full of "we did this and it changed everything" and "we did this and it was a bit weird, not going to lie." You saved it and haven't shown anyone. Huh. Should we?
A yes, no, maybe list is a checklist of sexual activities, fantasies and dynamics where each partner marks every item yes (I'm into it), no (not for me) or maybe (curious, under the right conditions). You compare, and the overlaps become things to try. It's brilliant at putting words to things you've never said out loud. Its catch: done side by side, you also read every one of your partner's no's in real time.
We're good, though. Why does even suggesting one feel risky?
Because a year in, living together, things are genuinely fine, and that's what makes the ask feel loaded. You can already see the Saturday-night script forming and you'd like to peek past it before it sets.
The trouble is that handing someone a 200-item grid of sex acts can sound like a performance review, even when things are great. You mean "I'm curious." They might hear "something's wrong with us." And being handed the list out of nowhere can feel like an ambush, like there's a right answer and you're about to be marked on it. Here's more on saying what you want without it sounding like a critique.
So, should you make one? If you're both curious and you'd enjoy the reveal, yes. If what's stopping you is the ask or the no's, there's a version that sidesteps both.
What's actually on one of these lists?
Most lists run from about 50 to a few hundred items. Think touch and kissing, places and times, toys, role play, power and control, talking dirty, being watched and the frankly startling long tail at the bottom that makes you both go "people do what?"
The good lists name things. Seeing your curiosity written down, neutrally, between "blindfolds" and "sex in the shower", quietly tells you it's normal enough to be printed (and here's what actually counts as kinky, if you've wondered).
And the maybe column is the best bit: not a firm yes, not a no, just "with you, on the right night, I'd be curious."
Didn't it change everything for those couples in the comments?
Maybe. But a comment section is a highlight reel, and the couples for whom it went sideways mostly don't post.
The other thing you're quietly measuring yourselves against is the early months, when anything felt possible and nothing felt risky. You weren't better at this back then. There was just less to lose. Now there's a shared lease and a life you like, so a "no" weighs more. That's not something slipping. It's what caring looks like.
How do couples usually do it?
| Printable list, filled in together | Out loud, one item at a time | Private until matched (like peek) |
|---|
| How it goes | You each tick a copy, then swap or compare | You read items to each other and answer on the spot | You each answer on your own phone |
| What you see | Every answer, yes, no and maybe | Every answer, plus the face that came with it | Only the overlaps, where you both said yes or maybe |
| Where it gets awkward | Watching a "no" land next to your "yes" | Saying "no" to someone's hopeful face | Hardly anywhere, because a no is never shown |
| Best for | Couples who already talk about sex easily | Couples who love a charged, giggly night in | Couples who'd rather skip the reveal of every no |
Why can filling it in together feel so weird?
Because a no is a lot louder on paper than it is in the moment.
You tick yes next to something you've been a bit shy about. You glance over. They've ticked no. (Or it's their yes sitting next to your no, and you feel oddly guilty.) Nobody's done anything wrong and it still lands like a small door closing. The real risk was never finding out you're mismatched. It's the little flinch of watching it happen live, then smoothing your face so they don't see you flinch.
It changes how you answer too. Side by side, it's easy to round your answers towards what you think they'll be comfortable with. The yes you meant becomes a maybe, the maybe becomes a no and the list ends up measuring how polite you both are rather than what you're actually curious about.
Is there a version where we only see the overlaps?
Yes. You keep everything good about the list (the words, the permission, the glorious maybe column) and lose the reveal of every no, plus the awkward ask.
That's how peek works, with the same three answers built in: yes, maybe and pass. You each answer alone, and what surfaces is where you overlap, a yes or a maybe from both of you. So two maybes make a match, and a pass stays private, always.
It also solves the ask. The idea on each card came from peek, not from either of you, so there's nothing personal to turn down and nobody has to say "I want more." The hand-over can be as light as "I found this thing where we each swipe on our own phones." And it doesn't stop at a list: a fresh set of cards lands each week, and some plans add date nights and mini-games for when a match needs somewhere to go. Talking still matters. A match just gives you something warm to start with.
Why does being curious together feel so good?
Chantelle Otten, an Australian psycho-sexologist, puts pleasure ahead of performance: sex as something you get curious about, not something you get right. The point was never to score a certain number of yeses or to prove how adventurous you are. It's the small thrill of finding out that someone you know well still has a few things tucked away, and some of them match yours.
Clearing the awkwardness only gets you halfway. The other half is the flutter of a match you didn't expect, the "oh, so you're into that" grin across the kitchen, the little bit of mystery back in a relationship where you know how they take their coffee. If that's the feeling you're chasing, here's how to get adventurous again when you're comfortable.
Key takeaways
- A yes, no, maybe list is a checklist of sexual activities and fantasies that each partner marks yes, no or maybe, then compares for overlaps.
- Its real strength is naming things you've never had words for and making curiosity feel normal.
- Suggesting one when things are good can sound like a critique, and filling it in side by side means reading each other's no's live, so it's natural to soften your answers.
- A private-until-matched version keeps the good part, shows you only where you overlap (yes or maybe) and never shows a no.
If that list has been sitting in your saved posts, try the version without the wince. Download peek on the App Store or Google Play, send your partner the invite and see what you've both been quietly curious about.
Frequently asked questions
Is a yes, no, maybe list only for kinky couples?
Not at all. Most lists start with kissing somewhere new, morning sex or a different room. Plenty of couples happily stay there. It's for any couple who's curious, a year in or twenty.
Should we fill it in together or separately?
Separately, if you can. Answering on your own gets you more honest answers, because you're not watching each other's faces. Then compare only the overlaps.
What if we get a lot of no's that don't match?
That's normal and it doesn't mean you're incompatible. A mismatch on one item says nothing about the rest. Start with the things you share, and don't write off a maybe: it's often just a yes waiting for the right night.
